My absolute favorite blog post this week was “(Un)defining Myself” by Amy V. Norris. It’s beautifully written, yes, but it’s also much more than that. Amy’s post resonated with me in ways that I didn’t understand while I was reading it, but as I closed the bloglovin’ app and carried on with my seemingly monotonous day, it spoke volumes. As a young kid, I’d been painstakingly quiet. I still cringe whenever I hear the word “meek”, it brings forward days of ducked heads and submissive compliances. I want to say that I’m different now, but I can’t be sure. I find myself hesitating when people ask me to describe myself, there are too many personas (that people have crafted for me) to pick from.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, don’t confine yourself. Don’t ever attempt to put yourself in a box, don’t tell yourself, I am this so I cannot be this. You can’t be everything, but you can be as effervescent as the rising sun (code for: just be who you want!). Don’t be who your parents want, be who you want to be. If there’s one thing that I hear continuously from people, it’s to not do what people expect you to do (if you think about it, it’s the equivalent of digging yourself down). I’m still trying to understand it too, I still catch myself jumping at other people’s expectations of me. My internal monologue consists of a lot of “because you have to-s”. Maybe that’s the thing, I don’t ever want to do things because I have to, I want to find meaning in things. I’m constantly afraid of a white noise tape recording, of monotony, of meaningless silence. I have a story burning inside me, with the intensity of thousands of suns, but every time I put pen to paper, I doubt myself. I question, “who am I writing as?”. As if it’s never occurred to me that I’m writing as myself, for myself. Like I’ve never thought that I was struggling through math classes for myself, not my parents, not for colleges. It’s okay to be covetous, to be ambitious. This is for you.
You are the sun, and they are nothing but wisps of clouds.